Have I Imprisoned My Own Heart?

I have been lucky enough to experience true love in my life. A couple of times. The kind of love, that I believe, if you have ever experienced it, you are NEVER the same afterwards and you can NEVER forget or stop caring for that person deep inside. No, it doesn't mean that you still picture a life with them or miss them to the point of crushing heartbreak like you did at one time, but I think if you have ever REALLY loved something or someone, it is much more than just a simple feeling;  It becomes a permanent part of who you are, imprinted on your soul.


Without going into too much detail, and as many people already know, my entire family, my world, did a complete 360 in a matter of about 5-10 years. Everything that I knew, loved, admired and counted on completely changed.


Along with these serious heartbreaks and changes, I grew and learned more about myself and how to be who I wanted and needed to be--maybe if it was only for that moment to get me through. I became a fairly independent young lady. I threw myself into my work, my dogs, my friends and pretty much anything OTHER than a relationship because I never ever wanted to let anything have the kind of emotional control over me that the loss of a true love did. And honestly, there was a huge part of me that felt ashamed and undeserving. Ashamed of what had happened in my life. Ashamed to have been on the sidelines of such a train-wreck and not have helped. Partially because I was off fulfilling my own dreams.

Needless to say, because of my hard work, I was pretty certain that by this time in my life I would be living in a large city and the Queen of American Real Estate. : ) Well, let's just say that hasn't happened. But I have worked my butt off to get where I am and I feel that I have accomplished a lot for my age.

I guess what I am getting at here, is that I am now questioning if I have closed myself off so far from getting hurt anymore, as to whether or not I can ever let myself be vulnerable again to TRULY open my heart to someone again. Have I imprisoned my own heart? I know, and truly believe, that you have to open up your heart to experience the joy and love that comes from this life... but that's easier said than done. We look at the news everyday and see such horrible news about the economy, horrible shootings and other tragedies...and then I visit a friend a see the light in her 2 year old's eyes and how happy she is to play with her puzzles and just hug me. I see my nieces dance and sing like they have not a care in the world. The cynic in me wants to just wrap them in my arms and never let them get swallowed up by the big, bad world out there. But I know this can't happen. I think that we all, myself included, get so caught up in the "bad" that we forget all the beautiful and wonderful things that we have right in front of us.

So maybe I have closed myself off. Maybe that's why I love dogs so much. They can't really betray you. : )
But I know that I have to open myself back up and enjoy the wonderful life that this world has to offer. Because there are children out there running around dancing and singing and hugging; there are puppies play-biting and snuggling, and there are great people left in this world that is evidenced every day by the good that so many do. Within me, somewhere, is a girl that is strong enough and has enough prozac to take on the world. I know it.

Thanks for letting be do some venting today. : )

Maybe it will all be better in the morning.

I know that everyone has those days. Those days where nothing necessarily goes wrong but somehow you  just seem to be in a "funk". Well, I've felt this "funk" coming on for several days now and it has finally ended with a kleenex-full of of tears and me completely pyscho-analyzing myself and what in the world has gone wrong. Dear Lord there are so many people that have so many more problems...I do not deserve sympathy. But I can't help it...and maybe if I can cry it out, it will all be better in the morning. So...I have a few theories as to why I'm swimming in confusion. Maybe by saying them aloud, I can get them to go away and jump-start my motivation. : )

First of all, I took some vacation time that consisted of more than 24 hours. I rarely do this. And when I do, I usually go into some sort of cardiac arrest. (J/K-but it may as well be true...) My blackberry and I are attached to each other like white on rice. Real estate statistics, construction stats and schedules, website stats, emails and traffic reports are like a drug for me. Now I will admit that every day I was on "vacation" I spent at least an hour checking emails, answering calls and doing other items just to keep the wheels rolling as they should. Quite frankly, if I hadn't of been able to do this, you probably would have seen a nervous breakdown in the middle of Charleston County Water Parks. I think this would have really scared some small children.

Second, because I was on vacation and needed something to do, I decided to start in on a new book. Eat. Love. Pray. was what I selected. Wrong book for a 31 year old, single, childless, work-a-holic female that has bouts of "who the heck am I and what the heck am I doing". I am not sure as to whether I should put this book away or if I should continue on with it. I sure did enjoy the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy a ton more!!! Not a lot of thinking and soul-searching involved but a decent little plot. (Though I will NEVER understand how Anastasia could have such perfectly manicured body hair at all times when she refused to wax?!?!)

Thirdly, I have realized that so many of the things that I enjoyed doing when I was younger have become lost with time. I must start doing them again. I need to start working out again. Not "hard-core" (I have quite the obsessive personality) but I need to just do a little to feel better about myself. I used to love to refinish furniture. I haven't done it in years. I kill pretty much every flower I plant, but I actually really love to plant them. I need to do that. I love taking Molly to the dog park. It's a hike and it's hot...but I should take her on a cooler day. I love being ON the water in a boat. I haven't done that in so long. I love putting Molly on a basket on a bicycle and riding it. I need to get a new one and venture out. I live in one of the most beautiful places anywhere. I need to get out there and explore.

In conclusion, I think I have become a bit regimented and bored. Because my life is usually so consumed by work, when I have a tiny bit of time to myself, I don't think I know what to do with myself. So, I shall work on this. And maybe I will wallow in my self-pity for a little bit, but then I'm sure I'll find a wonderful project to get started on....and then a "crisis" will begin at work and boredom will be nothing more than a fleeting thought... : )