Have I Imprisoned My Own Heart?

I have been lucky enough to experience true love in my life. A couple of times. The kind of love, that I believe, if you have ever experienced it, you are NEVER the same afterwards and you can NEVER forget or stop caring for that person deep inside. No, it doesn't mean that you still picture a life with them or miss them to the point of crushing heartbreak like you did at one time, but I think if you have ever REALLY loved something or someone, it is much more than just a simple feeling;  It becomes a permanent part of who you are, imprinted on your soul.


Without going into too much detail, and as many people already know, my entire family, my world, did a complete 360 in a matter of about 5-10 years. Everything that I knew, loved, admired and counted on completely changed.


Along with these serious heartbreaks and changes, I grew and learned more about myself and how to be who I wanted and needed to be--maybe if it was only for that moment to get me through. I became a fairly independent young lady. I threw myself into my work, my dogs, my friends and pretty much anything OTHER than a relationship because I never ever wanted to let anything have the kind of emotional control over me that the loss of a true love did. And honestly, there was a huge part of me that felt ashamed and undeserving. Ashamed of what had happened in my life. Ashamed to have been on the sidelines of such a train-wreck and not have helped. Partially because I was off fulfilling my own dreams.

Needless to say, because of my hard work, I was pretty certain that by this time in my life I would be living in a large city and the Queen of American Real Estate. : ) Well, let's just say that hasn't happened. But I have worked my butt off to get where I am and I feel that I have accomplished a lot for my age.

I guess what I am getting at here, is that I am now questioning if I have closed myself off so far from getting hurt anymore, as to whether or not I can ever let myself be vulnerable again to TRULY open my heart to someone again. Have I imprisoned my own heart? I know, and truly believe, that you have to open up your heart to experience the joy and love that comes from this life... but that's easier said than done. We look at the news everyday and see such horrible news about the economy, horrible shootings and other tragedies...and then I visit a friend a see the light in her 2 year old's eyes and how happy she is to play with her puzzles and just hug me. I see my nieces dance and sing like they have not a care in the world. The cynic in me wants to just wrap them in my arms and never let them get swallowed up by the big, bad world out there. But I know this can't happen. I think that we all, myself included, get so caught up in the "bad" that we forget all the beautiful and wonderful things that we have right in front of us.

So maybe I have closed myself off. Maybe that's why I love dogs so much. They can't really betray you. : )
But I know that I have to open myself back up and enjoy the wonderful life that this world has to offer. Because there are children out there running around dancing and singing and hugging; there are puppies play-biting and snuggling, and there are great people left in this world that is evidenced every day by the good that so many do. Within me, somewhere, is a girl that is strong enough and has enough prozac to take on the world. I know it.

Thanks for letting be do some venting today. : )